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The Man Cave and the Inner Retreat of Fathers

At the risk of raining on the holiday cheer, I want to talk about the all-too-common phenomenon of the father who tends to retreat emotionally from his family, and look at the ‘man cave’ as a contemporary symbol of this phenomenon.

Don’t get me wrong!  I appreciate a good man cave like the next man.  I just want to challenge and shake up some of the concretized symbols that are attributed to, and make a subtle mockery of, men today.

The Inner Retreat of Fathers 

In my conversations about fatherhood, I find that a majority of people experienced their fathers as emotionally distant.

What comes to my mind in these conversations are images of men immersing themselves in work, behind a newspaper, in front of a TV, in the basement, or other such cave, doing ‘manly’ things.  At the same time, conspicuously silent in the face of a child’s essential need for them.  These retreats are becoming more and more hi-tech today, but the dynamics and purpose are the same.

From the child’s perspective here, this absence is about them.  A child quietly tells himself: ‘must be something wrong with me, my spirit, my needs, my anger, my joy.’ There’s too often no discussion with children about these retreats, and it would quite difficult for a child to grasp it anyhow.

For the father, it is more complicated.  A child cannot see or understand that these men they love so dearly have retreated within themselves, often away from their own pain and feelings of inadequacy and helplessness that their children mirror so acutely, and away from the conflict between wanting to experience separateness and autonomy from their family and needing emotional nurturance and connection.

There is a legacy here. Absence begets absence, as generation after generation of children adapt to the hunger for their fathers’ love, affection and presence.  Although quite ingenious in terms of survival, these ‘adaptations’ unravel over time.   The unraveling is evident on all levels:  from the booming pharmaceutical business, to the volatility of the environment, to the divorce rate, to the ubiquity of addiction, and on and on…

The Man Cave:  Source of Salvation or Salt in the Wound?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, the man cave is a space in a family’s home solely dedicated to the man of the house.  If you dare enter such a cave, you may find a large television, a pool table, leather couch, video games, tools, sports memorabilia, newspaper clippings of teenage success, a pin-up and possibly a sign that reads ‘My Cave: Keep Out!’

The cave has become a staple in the modern American home.  On a surface level, the man cave serves as a space where men can go to feel uninterrupted and have fun.  But there are deeper forces at work here.

The man cave is a place where the retreat is ok. It is a space where Dad can suspend time, get away from ‘mom’ and continue to live out his childhood fantasies of being a super hero, date the most beautiful women, engage in battle in the warmth and safety of his home, and show off all of his stuff to his buddies.  It’s a place where men can gather to try to grasp at the primal energies that have been lost in the comforts of modern living.

In many ways, the man cave is a temporary band-aid to the anxiety that lurks deep within fathers that we are lost and vulnerable and feel hopeless to the reality that our lives are not under our control.   The man cave allows us to hibernate and lick our wounds and forget our woes.  Too often, however, this space is not generative in terms of allowing men to address their predicament, mature and teach their children how to be with their experience with presence and compassion.

The man cave brings with it a slight smirk.  It can all too often be a slight caricature of men.  It is an incomplete gestalt.  I believe that fathers do need the space to retreat, but not to forget, but rather, to engage with themselves and their deep anxieties in order to evolve and be able to hold the conflicts of being alive.

Try This!

If you are a father (and even if you are not!), and find that you tend to retreat, and whether you have a cave or not!), watch the ways you retreat.  Is it in thought? Food?  I-Phone?  Be curious.  Ask yourself what you might be retreating from right now? If you retreat in relationship, what are you seeing in the other that is making you run?

And if your father was emotionally distant, talk to him about this legacy of retreat.  Try to ask them their experience with a spirit of curiosity rather than blame.  You may be surprised what you find!

With you in mind and heart,

Ben Ringler

Ben Ringler

Ben Ringler

Besides my general practices in Berkeley and San Francisco where I see adult men and women, couples and families, I help men find inner strength as they balance evolving visions of being a man, provider and father. By helping men find a more proper alignment, I address such out-of-balance symptoms as depression, anxiety, anger, and addiction.

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