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Posts Tagged ‘Boundaries’

Let Sex Bring You Closer

Would it surprise you to know that as a Sex Therapist I see fewer clients who are selfish lovers and many more that are too selfless? And by that I mean that they are paying attention to a heck of a lot of things, but not so much to themselves. For most of us, when…

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Adventures in Internalized Prejudice

A few months ago, I went to a signing and Q&A at my local comic book store.  As soon as I entered the store I saw him, but I pretended that I didn’t. He sat in a power wheelchair, and was talking with friends who stood around him.  Maybe he had cerebral palsy?  I felt…

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Apartheid and Trump, or Gas Station Confrontation

I recently heard an excellent speaker—an older gay man who dedicated his life to advocating for children in the school system—talk about the importance of compassion in these fraught political times. “I grew up with the people who voted for Trump,” he said. “They are not my enemy. If we see each other as enemies…

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How to Deal with Toxic People

Call me naive, but I tend to assume the best about people. I see the good in most, usually without a lot of effort. Although I come from the “people are inherently good” camp, I’ve had my share of experience with toxic people. What do I mean by that? A toxic person is someone who…

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Couples Therapy: A Tale of Two Stories

Couples often come into therapy with quite different views of what the problems are. And this is part of the problem. Maybe even the whole problem. At the simplest level this can be a function of each person seeing the other as the cause of their relationship distress. “She has no empathy for me.” “He’s…

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Is Your Therapist Too Nice?

“I’ve met the greatest girl,” John said. He was beaming. “She’s really hot. She’s 27, super smart. This weekend I’m chartering a yacht for us! Isn’t that awesome?” I just looked at him. This was his third “greatest girl” in six months. Each was 20-plus years younger than him—and all three were following quickly on…

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The Gifts of Disillusion

None of us can know when the rapid and forceful shifts of disillusion will enter our life. Many in our country are going through a sudden disillusionment since the election, realizing troubling realities. As a couple’s therapist I witness the disillusionment of a newly broken heart, sitting with a couple as one turns to the other…

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Easier to Give Than to Receive

Experiment here with me for a moment… I want you to imagine someone you love sitting in front of you. Now imagine sending love towards them. How do you send those love vibes out? Do they come through your eyes, from your heart space, from your gut? Does it feel easy to do this? Familiar?…

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Should I or Shouldn’t I? Making Difficult Decisions

Ryan* was up at 3am again, dreading her upcoming trip to visit her family with her boyfriend. He understood her better than any other partner she’d had, the sex was good, they lived together well, but she was often disappointed. They had few common interests, he didn’t add much to the conversation when they got…

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The Way Out of Psychic Numbing

“The Oakland fire happened basically right in my backyard,” my friend and co-doctorate-student Helena told me as we were waiting for class to begin. “And while it was so horrible,” she dropped her voice to a whisper, “I haven’t really felt anything about it. Maybe I would if I knew the people who were inside.…

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Dear Trump Supporter Who Called Me a Cunt

This is what I know this morning, Post coffee, Pre wine, There is nothing like waking up to a private message from some guy you’ve never met, never had a one-night stand with, and whose profile picture is a cartoon version of himself. He felt the need to tell me IN ALL CAPS that I…

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