CULTURE
Bigger and Bigger and Always Black
I’m married to a BIG black man. Some might say he is larger than life. His ear-to-ear smile brightens every room. His BIG laugh is hilarious and makes others break into chuckles even if they didn’t hear the joke. His BIG shoulders (although very annoying on an airplane) have held many, many heads. And his…
Why I Won’t Work with Poly Relationships
I was 22. It would be years before I would go to graduate school to become a psychotherapist, but I was already playing that role unofficially with friends. It was the middle of the night, and Alexa and I were up late talking. We had gotten to know each other while working as counselors at…
The Small, Vital, Necessity of Using Your Blinkers
While driving the mean streets of the San Francisco Bay Area, I’ve taken to religiously, nay, even aggressively, using my turn signal; and when I see another driver doing the same, find myself at times crying out, “You, Sir or Madam, are a good human!” A friend of mine once said that society is kept…
Perfectionism’s Dark Side: Lessons from Japan
Until you’ve been to Japan, you have never really experienced attention to detail. Have you ordered a humble pour-over coffee? In every simple cafe in Kyoto, the experience is astonishing: it is liquid gold. Have you ordered a hasty tea while waiting for the train? In Kyoto station, the Matcha tea is served so elegantly…
Apartheid and Trump, or Gas Station Confrontation
I recently heard an excellent speaker—an older gay man who dedicated his life to advocating for children in the school system—talk about the importance of compassion in these fraught political times. “I grew up with the people who voted for Trump,” he said. “They are not my enemy. If we see each other as enemies…
When We Mock Trump’s Hands, What do People with Disabilities Hear?
It’s times like these that, as guilty as I feel saying it, I’m glad I have normal, nice hands. I went to the Women’s March, looking for support for myself, just as much as to stand with women against Trump. And at first, I felt the love in the crowd. I felt safer, empowered, and…
Transgender Teens: Sometimes Caution is the Right Approach
When Marci and her husband James* showed up in my psychotherapy office, they looked tired and worried. They had driven nearly four hours to come to a consultation with me, but that was not the reason for their exhaustion. Marci and James are part of the growing number of families who have consulted with me…
From the Front Lines: Fighting Back at WPATH
Trans*identities cannot be prevented, any more than sexual identities can. What can be prevented is the suffering caused by refusing to accept a trans*person, by shaming them, by subjecting them to behavior modification therapies that will not work, or by stigmatizing them and making their lives literally unlivable.
After the Women’s March, What Do the Men Do Now?
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about men. Not just the out-of-work, “forgotten”, rust belt men who voted for Donald Trump, but also about the smart, progressive 18-year-old son of a friend of mine, who confides in his mother that it’s hard to hear so much about how much white men have screwed everything up. I’m angry…
Humanity Needs Empathy Now More Than Ever
What would the world look like without empathy? In a recent LA Times piece, Yale psychologist Paul Bloom opined that empathy is an overrated emotion, one that leads us into all manner of irrational choices and that ultimately leads to burnout. The capacity to put ourselves in each other’s shoes, he argues, is nothing more…
You’re Not White… And Other Reasons Black People Don’t Go to Therapy
I was in my kitchen a few months ago deep in conversation with family and friends about the challenges and fears of parenting college students. We talked about drugs and alcohol, social issues, and the job market. And then we started to talk about mental health, and how anxiety and depression are truly public health…
The Best Way to Remember Carrie Fisher, George Michael and our other lost heroes.
[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/300147700″ params=”auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&visual=true” width=”100%” height=”450″ iframe=”true” /] I don’t know about you, but 2016 has taken way too many of my heroes. I’m pretty pissed that I’m supposed to survive without George Michael, Carrie Fisher, Bowie, Cohen, Prince. Losing these lives who symbolized my youth shook me with the too sudden awareness of my mortality…