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Couples Therapy: A Tale of Two Stories
Couples often come into therapy with quite different views of what the problems are. And this is part of the problem. Maybe even the whole problem. At the simplest level this can be a function of each person seeing the other as the cause of their relationship distress. “She has no empathy for me.” “He’s…
Romance Hangover
Romance Hangover – When the things you thought would get you in the mood actually left you feeling sluggish, irritable, and generally disappointed. Oh, and mildly ashamed. Welcome to the day after Valentine’s Day! Seriously, why is it so hard to create satisfying romantic moments on demand? Consider how we developed our early ideas of…
Is Your Therapist Too Nice?
“I’ve met the greatest girl,” John said. He was beaming. “She’s really hot. She’s 27, super smart. This weekend I’m chartering a yacht for us! Isn’t that awesome?” I just looked at him. This was his third “greatest girl” in six months. Each was 20-plus years younger than him—and all three were following quickly on…
The Way Out of Intellectualization
Lately, I’m finding lots of calm, rational, heady conversations stretching along my newsfeed. “I feel that Black Lives Matter makes an error in judgment when they….” “The Women’s March really doesn’t account for….” “Let me just play Devil’s Advocate here….” These are almost always white people, almost entirely male. They represent a common psychic defense:…
EMDR and the Hero’s Journey, Part 2: The EMDR Origin Story
“A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself” ― Joseph Campbell Click to view Part 1 of this series. In our troubled world when we feel scared and uncertain, each of us longs for a hero: someone who will usher in positive change, who will help us…
Easier to Give Than to Receive
Experiment here with me for a moment… I want you to imagine someone you love sitting in front of you. Now imagine sending love towards them. How do you send those love vibes out? Do they come through your eyes, from your heart space, from your gut? Does it feel easy to do this? Familiar?…
Should I or Shouldn’t I? Making Difficult Decisions
Ryan* was up at 3am again, dreading her upcoming trip to visit her family with her boyfriend. He understood her better than any other partner she’d had, the sex was good, they lived together well, but she was often disappointed. They had few common interests, he didn’t add much to the conversation when they got…
Power Play: Kindness in (Literally) Dark Times
These are dark days. The Winter Solstice is still a week away, so the days are literally growing darker. In the Bay Area, much needed rains, the horrific deaths of 36 beautiful souls in the Ghost Ship fire, the impending doom of the imminent president elect, and the ongoing battle for sacred lands at Standing…
Screens and Self-Control
Modern society struggles with self-control around the use of devices and technology. At home, if you parent, these struggles intensify as adults and kids react with irritability, anger and hostility when interrupted on a device, or told to turn off a device to do homework, get dinner made or get to bed. “It’s like my…
Listening to Complaining: A Response to INC. Magazine
Judging complainers instead of listening harms rather than helps organizations and communities and directly impacts our collective mental health.
Living and Loving with Borderline Personality Disorder
“One minute everything’s great, and the next minute she’s calling me fifty times in a row and leaving me these long messages about how badly I treat her.” “He makes me feel so awful about myself. He twists around what I say and makes me seem like such a horrible person. I can’t tell right-side-up…
Why is it So Hard to Receive Support?
Letting others in is an ongoing process. As a therapist, I offer support for a living—yet taking in care from others is another story. I remember the a-ha moment when I first understood the reciprocal nature of support. Several years ago I attended a powerful community-based grief ritual. At the start of the intimate weekend,…